Conviction hurts

This past Sunday, the sermon was about hoarding wealth. It was a great message and I walked away feeling a little conviction about my personal wealth and spending habits. I say 'a little' because if you know me well, you may also know that I rarely spend money on myself. I don't shop much and would rather pay a bill or buy something practical for my children or husband. As my family climbed into our nice big truck and drove to our warm, comfortable home, I half-heartedly vowed to be a better steward of what God has blessed me with and went on with my day as usual. Little did I know how soon this vow would be tested. Little did I know how quickly I would fail.

Monday was a typical work day except that I decided to use my lunch hour to run some errands instead of heading home. I stopped at a local discount store to look for some things to complete my Halloween costume. As I'm walking up to the store, a young man timidly approached me and asked if I had any change. I gave him my usual scripted response: "sorry, I don't carry cash." This is usually true. I never have even a penny in my purse, but as he repeated my words and I walked away, I remembered that I did have cash in my purse.

*I need to interrupt this story to tell you an embarrassing fact about me*
I have a huge problem with giving money to people. It irritates me to see the same people day after day panhandling on the corner in front of stores. I go to the post office every day and the same guy is there day after day asking me for money. As I said earlier, I try to be practical with money. I hate to spend frivolously. I can't stand the thought that if I give someone my "hard earned" dollar, that they might spend it on alcohol or cigarettes instead of a necessity like food. I don't mind giving to the Salvation Army or some similar program where I feel that my money is wisely spent. We also sponsor a child in Kenya through Compassion International. But give some random person on the street a buck? No way! This has been an issue that God has been trying to convict me about for a long time. Our life group recently decided to befriend a homeless couple and learning a little more about them has made me a little more compassionate, but I have still been tightly holding on to every cent.

So back to my story.

As I shopped, I completely forgot about the guy outside the store. I didn't find the stuff I needed for my costume, but I did find an orange shirt for Mia to wear for "orange day" at preschool. So I get up to the register and start to pull out my debit card and I see the corner of a dollar bill peeking out of my wallet. I open it up and quickly count the bills. I had enough to pay cash. I whip out my cash and as the cashier is handing me the change, I glance at the next customer in line behind me. Yup, you guessed it. The guy from outside the store. He quickly lowered his head and I felt the flush of embarrassment and shame. As I practically ran from the store, I heard him counting out change to the cashier.

As I drove back to work with flaming cheeks, a scripture suddenly popped into my head.

The Sheep and the Goats (Matthew 25:31-46)

 

When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne.  All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

 

Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

 

Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

 

Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

 

They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’ He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

 

Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.

 

I felt sick, I wanted to cry, I wanted to pull over to the side of the road and fall on my knees, I wanted to race back to the store and find the guy, I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. I saw myself clearly for what I am: I am a selfish, greedy person. I may not hoard for myself, but I sure hoard for my family. I feel entitled to what I earn and am not willing to share it with those who have not 'earned' it for themselves. Who do I think I am? I sure don't look like a Christ-follower. I had FAILED and failed badly. I parked my truck and sat slumped in my seat. All I could do was cry out, "Oh God, that was YOU! I just said no to YOU!" 

 

I have struggled with this all week. I am red with embarrassment now as I write this.  Each time I think of it, I again cry out in my heart, "I'm so sorry."

 

So friends, please pray for me. I sure could use it.