Amen!

In the long months we have been working with Maddox and figuring out how his intricate little brain works, one of my looming concerns has been how to teach him about God. My fervent desire and prayer has been for him to understand that Jesus is more than just a drawing in his bible or a word in a song. It is so difficult to teach him the things that are tangible, how do I teach him to believe in something so intangible? How do I introduce him to a person he cannot see?

I’ve continued to pour into him what I can and prayed for God to come and fill in the missing pieces. In his own way, Maddox is coming to know what prayer is. We pray before meals and at bedtime and recently I have started laying hands on and praying over the kids before they go to school. In these instances the prayers are basically the same and I usually kneel down before him and look him in the eye while I pray and he will say “amen” when I am finished.

A lot of Maddox’s speech is echolalic, meaning that it is scripted or copied words and phrases. Much of the time he will copy what is said without having an understanding of what it means. He is simply echoing what he hears. I have always felt that his “amen” has been a scripted response until last night.

Jason and I have recently started an evening devotion time with Mia. Maddox was seemingly oblivious to what we were doing and was running around the living room playing while we talked. When we finished our story, we moved on to prayer. Mia first, Jason next and finally, myself. With my head bowed and eyes closed, I had not noticed Maddox had silently come to stand next to me while I prayed until I felt his little hand on my arm and heard his little voice whisper “amen”. My head shot up and I met his gaze and he smiled and started jumping up and down saying “amen” over and over and over.

He knew I was praying! And he wanted me to know that he understood what we were doing! In a totally different situation and with different words than what he was used to hearing, he understood and recognized that his mama was praying!!!  Thank you God for answering the prayers dear to a mother’s heart. I see the missing pieces starting to fall into place.

Yoga Pants

Moving from Hanford to Huntington Beach has been a bit of a culture shock. Having spent my entire life in the Central Valley, I knew to expect some major changes. Although I've only been here for 2 weeks, here are a few of my observations.

#1: Traffic.
Major Traffic. No longer is everything in town 5 minutes away. I can't look at the # of miles on google maps and estimate the amount of time it would take to get there. I am beginning to learn not to leave the house without first checking the freeway traffic report. Also, aren't all streets supposed to run North/South or East/West? Hanford was a perfect grid of streets. Here in Huntington Beach, I am perpetually directionally confused. Somebody buy me a compass!

#2: The Great Outdoors.
Just in Huntington Beach alone, there are 71 parks equaling 752 acres of playgrounds and fun. All this in addition to being less than 5 miles away from the beach. The kids are loving it. Time to stock up on sunscreen!

#3: Mom Attire.
While spending a big chunk of our vacation time at the previously mentioned parks, I have realized that my standard wardrobe of jeans and flip flops is not adequate. Every time I have gone to the park, I have been the only mom not wearing yoga pants. EVERY TIME. THE ONLY ONE. Note to self: buy more yoga pants, do more squats.

#4: Cash Only.
Laundry, parking, toll roads. I am a person who never carries cash...ever. I only carry an emergency $20 and Mia keeps my wallet completely free of change. I have found myself scrounging for change everywhere...couch cushions, under the car seats, Jason's pockets. We need quarters for everything! P.S. Yoga pants don't have pockets for change.

#5: Options.
Too many options. In Hanford, we had a very limited amount of options for shopping, dining etc. A few more options if you wanted to travel to Visalia or Fresno. My head has been spinning with the sheer volume of stores and restaurants. It's overwhelming. I told Jason, my goal is to never eat at the same place twice. I think we could go on forever. (I better double up on the squats so I can fit into my yoga pants.)

Today is our last day of spring break. Tomorrow reality begins. Mia goes back to school and I get back to working on Maddox's programs and getting our household in order. Tomorrow we will really begin to see what Orange County has to offer us. Let the adventures begin!

The Move...

Well, we did it! Our family made the leap to Southern California!

Can you believe it???

Neither can I. I’m still in shock!

Let me tell you how it all happened…

When Jason and I met, he was living in Anaheim and I was living in Hanford. We met at a time when I was mid-semester at Fresno State and tied into a new mortgage. It was impossible for me to relocate. So after 6 months of a long-distance relationship, Jason made the sacrifice and moved to Hanford so we could be together. We agreed to spend 5 years in Hanford and 5 years wherever Jason wanted to go. Our whirlwind courtship spun even faster as we decided to quickly marry and 6 weeks later found out Mia would be joining our family. Two and a half years later Maddox came along. As he grew a little older and we began down the path of discovering his autism and seeking out treatment, our 5 year mark came and went and the plan of moving to SoCal was pushed aside.

Whenever we talked about relocating, I would look at our finances and insist that it was impossible given our debt. So a few years ago we started Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. We began a debt snowball and started paying off excess bills. We were making pretty good progress until I was laid off in March of last year. Then the idea of moving to a place more expensive seemed even more out of reach. With Maddox’s intense program, it was impossible for me to get another full time job so I began working part time from home and we eventually decided to move in with my parents for 6 months to save a little $ and pay off our last few bills.

After Christmas, Jason and I started looking around town for a small house or an apartment to rent and nothing really caught our eye. Then one day in January, Jason sat me down and told me that he wanted to discuss moving again and wanted to plan it in the next 2 or 3 years. Very much to my surprise, I blurted out, “Let’s look into doing it this summer.” I still don’t even know where that came from! We talked about the possibilities of making it happen and agreed to begin praying about it.

Not known for his patience, my husband called his old employer the very next day and had a job interview by that Friday. This is where I began to panic! “We agreed to start praying about it, not job searching!” I argued. But Jason just responded that we were not going to get anywhere unless we started taking steps.  After a major panic attack, I decided to put aside my budgets and spreadsheets, forget about MY plans and time lines and just got on my knees. I prayed for God’s provision and guidance in making this major decision. When I was finally still, I realized that I just felt peace.

My one misgiving that remained was Maddox’s program. We had such a great program in place and I hated to disrupt him. It literally all fell apart that same week. We completely lost all of our services the same week that Jason was offered a job. I asked God to make the path clear and He certainly did! So, we decided to step forward in faith and Jason took the job. Even though I was on board with the move, the kids and I couldn’t pick up and go immediately. Fortunately, wonderful family and friends provided couches for Jason to sleep on until we could find an apartment and my parents helped me keep my sanity.

It was several stressful weeks until we were able to reunite our family. There was a lot to take care of before we could move, but God carried me through it all. I witnessed His hand time after time as each matter was resolved at the perfect moment. I was so overwhelmed with appointments and paperwork to file, but managed to remain peaceful and calm through it all. We received several financial blessings during this time as well that carried us through the move and will continue to enable me to stay at home with the children for a while. We found a great apartment in Huntington Beach and are excited about our new adventure.

What a lesson learned! For the past 6 years, I have tried to plan to make this move possible and it never came to pass. I budgeted and planned and re-budgeted and saved and it always fell apart. On paper, it was just impossible. I couldn’t make it work. I finally got out of the way and let God take over and he made it all happen in less than 2 months.

Thank you Lord for your provision and for this amazing opportunity for my family. I am continually amazed how you remove the impossible and make the paths clear. Thank you for removing my doubts and fears and for your gift of peace that passes all understanding. I pray for your continued guidance as we seek out your will for our lives and for our children.

Thank you friends and family for all of your support and helping hands. We love you all so much and although we are a little farther away from some of you now, we will be back to visit soon!

More blogging and pictures to come soon!!!

What a difference a year makes: Part 2 - We Have Autism

If you missed it, read part 1 here

2012: WE HAVE AUTISM!

2012 has been hard. We have fought tooth and nail for each and every inch of progress. We have relentlessly battled the exhaustion, the guilt, the tears and the frustration. But by God's grace, we have been victorious! 2012 will be known as the year we kicked autism's butt! This year, WE HAVE AUTISM, autism doesn't have us!!!

I could write all day about all the progress and things Maddox has learned. But here's a small snapshot:

Last year, at 18 months old, Maddox tested across the board at about a 6-8 month level. He was severely delayed in every area.
This year, at 30 months old, Maddox was nearly caught up to age level in every area except speech.

In one year's time, he mastered 26 programs and met over 75 goals in his early intervention program. He uses sign language fluidly and his vocabulary is emerging. He has learned to self-regulate his need for sensory input and academically he is working on many of the same things that Mia is learning in kindergarten! He is THE poster-child for early intervention!

Yesterday for the first time he initiated contact (a little socially inappropriately, but contact still) with another child and played basketball WITH another little boy. If you don't know how monumental this is, let me assure you, we are ecstatic over this!!!!!

There is just so much more that is hard to measure or put into words. If you have spent much time with us, you will know, that at times, Maddox has just been absent. His body was there but his mind was not. We are seeing less and less of that state. When he is overwhelmed or tired, he will retreat and that's ok. He needs to deal with his sensory overload sometimes. But now, when he is with us, he is REALLY with us. He engages with us, he makes eye contact, he tries to make us laugh, he kisses me spontaneously, he gets excited to see us, he seeks out our attention, he plays, he is filled with joy and he expresses love.

2011 was a year of blessings amidst heartache, confusion and guilt. God guided us through, giving us comfort and strength and lit the way for us to find the help we needed. 2012 has been a year of blessings as God has poured out his grace in the form of joy, hope and perseverance. He has granted us numerous victories and we are so thankful for the year we've had! What a difference a year makes!

What a difference a year makes: Part 1 - Autism Has Us

2011: AUTISM HAS US

When I think back on 2011, it is clouded with the ugly blur of autism. It consumed us last year. In fact, it chewed us up and spit us out! It ruined each part of our year by tainting it with guilt, dread, fear and heartbreak.

January: 11 months old and not a single word. I was beginning to worry about Maddox and to watch him more carefully.

February: Maddox turned 1 and I was sad that I had not been able to teach him to blow out his candle and he really hated the feeling of frosting on his fingers. Still no words.

March: Another ear infection and an Ages and Stages questionaire from the doctor. Too scared to fill it out. Still no words.

April: Back to the doctor for an ear infection. Feeling guilty because I still can't bring myself to finish filling out the form. Too many "NO" answers on the first page. Can't look the doctor in the eyes, hating the look of concern and pity I see there. And...still no words.

May: Another ear infection. Maybe he has hearing loss! (Feeling guilty that I was actually happy about this possibility!) That is the source of all of our problems! There is a reason he has no words! Threw away the damn questionnaire.

June: Passed the hearing test with flying colors, referred to a speech pathologist. Given a new questionnaire with a firm encouragment to fill it out. Speech pathologist was little help. She actually said she thought his problems were environmental. 2 working parents and an overbearing, attention-seeking older sister makes for a busy household where he is not getting enough attention. Spent the entire month in tears, wallowing in guilt and blaming myself for being such a horrible mother that my son was nearly a year behind in development.

July: Horrid speech pathologist gave me the number to CVRC and told me to call them for an evaluation. WITH NO EXPLANATION ABOUT WHO THEY WERE OR WHAT THEY DO! I came home and googled them and first saw the word AUTISM. My heart dropped down to my toes. Longest month ever waiting for our August 1st appointment. Finally filled out that awful questionnaire and fought the urge to wring the speech pathologist's neck.

August: Fears confirmed. He was not formally diagnosed but "was found to have significant risk factors for autism spectrum disorder" and qualified for early intervention services. More guilt for missing so many of the warning signs. Spent the rest of the month walking around in a daze and trying to find reputable information amidst all the crap and misconceptions out there. Thank God for some educated friends who pointed me in the right direction! Traveled to Laughlin, NV for a family reunion and spent the entire time in the bathroom singing to Maddox who would scream at the top of his lungs each time I tried to enter the room where the party was.

September: First evaluation from ACES to set up his ABA therapy. (Thankfully we didn't have to fight for services and were granted above and beyond what I had been prepared to demand.) Call from the Pediatric Developmental Department at Kaiser regarding Maddox's questionnaire and an offer for another evaluation and a formal diagnosis. Enrolled Mia in preschool, mostly to appease some of the guilt I was feeling for spending so much time and energy on her brother.

October: Trip to the Autism Spectrum Disorder Clinic in Rancho Cordova. Another evaluation and a formal diagnosis made it official. AUTISM HAS US. It has now officially taken over our lives and is running the show.

November: First ABA sessions. Trying to deal with the weirdness of having strangers in your house for 5-6 hours a day and listening to Maddox's cries of frustration as they try to coax him into learning. Spent Thanksgiving alone in a bedroom singing to Maddox who would scream anytime anyone else was around.

December: Hope! ABA is catching on, he's learning a few things, the weirdos in our house might just be a God-send, this might just work for us. Thank God this crappy year is over!!!

Read part 2 here

Hello again...

It has been far too long since I've blogged.

Not because I've had nothing to write about, but because I have not had a quiet moment to sit and write in months! Since my last post, 7 months ago, things around our house have changed dramatically. We are full swing into ABA therapy for Maddox, Mia has graduated from preschool and I have made the leap and become a work from home mommy.

As a full time working mom, I never doubted the busyness of stay at home moms but I never truly appreciated the full extent of the chaos that ensues on a day to day basis. I dreamed of a perfectly clean, organized house, dinner on the table every night just as Jason walked in the door and time to craft and create all the beautiful things I've been pinning on Pinterest. While I have managed to become a little more domestic, I was way off on what I thought life would be like.

Here are just a few things I've learned:

• The earlier I get up to try to squeeze in some exercise/reading/alone time, the earlier my son will get up
• Sitting down at the computer to work, causes my children to immediately need to be fed, changed or assisted with some dreadfully important task
• The instant I get on the phone, a child will be injured and will follow me around the house screaming as I frantically try to find a quiet corner to finish my conversation
• It is absolutely required that someone fall off some piece of furniture while jumping at least once a day
• Dawn dish soap will take pink sharpie off of just about anything (including pillows, curtains and walls) except skin
• Ranch dressing dropped on the floor can splatter everything within a 6 foot radius quite effectively
• Exactly 1 minute before my husband walks in the door, every toy in the house will suddenly appear in the livingroom
• From the time it takes me to walk from the bathroom to the linen closet and back, my children can dump most of the bath water onto the floor
• A dog unsupervised for 30 seconds can smear a dirty diaper right into the carpet
• I wouldn't give up a second of spending time with my crazy, wonderful kids

Calgon...take me away...

It's been too long since I've blogged. Too long since I've had a moment to myself to sit and open up the laptop. In all honesty, the only reason I'm doing it now is because it's 2 a.m and everyone else is asleep.

Life has been ...
what would be the right word?
hectic?
crazy?
chaotic?
overwhelming?
all of the above?

I'll start with a Maddox update.
He is doing fantastic! We started his in-home intervention program about a month ago.  It's been great and he's been responding really well. He's learned 2 signs (more, all done) and has said 3 words (mama, ears, eye). Overall he just seems more aware of what's going on around him and it's easier to snap him out of his self-stimulation behaviors. We are all really excited about his progress.

On the flip side of that, it's also been a hard adjustment. Our program is 30 hours a week. That means teachers in and out 6 days a week, 5 hours a day. That's 6 different teachers and 3 different supervisors coming and going all day long. It's having strangers in your house, playing with your kid and teaching you how to be a different kind of parent. It's panicking over getting Maddox down for a nap immediately after his morning session so he will be cooperative for his afternoon session. It's trying to find something to keep Mia busy so she doesn't drive everyone crazy. It's hearing Maddox whine and complain and cry on the days he just gets tired of it all. It's worrying that I'm not there enough. It's guilt that I'm asking too much of my mom because she takes all of this on 4 days a week. It's getting up early on Saturday to make sure we're all awake and decently dressed before someone knocks on the door. It's constantly going and going and going...

I think this transition has really been hardest on Mia.
Because Maddox is so small, everything is done through play. They play with toys, blow bubbles, play outside, read books, sing songs. To Mia it looks like Maddox just got 9 new playmates and she wants to be in the middle of everything. Some of the teachers are really good at involving her for certain activities but she is such a distraction. She wants all of the attention on her and interrupts constantly so we try our best to keep her out of their way. It is so hard to keep telling her no all day. All of this has resulted in some acting out behaviors at home and at school. She is going waaayyyy overboard to get attention. She also hates to see Maddox upset and she gets really agitated when Maddox is protesting a lot and will burst into the room and do whatever it is they are trying to get him to do. We've tried explaining it to her by telling her that Maddox is having a hard time learning and we need help to teach him. He's too small to go to school like she does so his teachers have to come to our house and when they are there it is his school time just like when she goes to school it's her school time. She understands that but it doesn't stop her from being jealous and sneaking into the room with them the second we turn our backs.

On top of juggling all of this I still work 4 days a week. There has been some stressful things going on at work too which just adds to the list of things I have to worry about. And it's December. So our schedule has been even more packed with Christmas program rehearsals, parties, dinners, church events, making gifts and shopping.

And no, I haven't forgotten my poor husband. I try to make some time to take care of him too. Sometimes I even manage to get the house clean.  And I even remember to pay bills once in a while.

Whew! No wonder I fall into bed exhausted at night.

I really need a vacation from my life!
But for now, I'll settle for a bubble bath and a locked bathroom door.