Calgon...take me away...

It's been too long since I've blogged. Too long since I've had a moment to myself to sit and open up the laptop. In all honesty, the only reason I'm doing it now is because it's 2 a.m and everyone else is asleep.

Life has been ...
what would be the right word?
hectic?
crazy?
chaotic?
overwhelming?
all of the above?

I'll start with a Maddox update.
He is doing fantastic! We started his in-home intervention program about a month ago.  It's been great and he's been responding really well. He's learned 2 signs (more, all done) and has said 3 words (mama, ears, eye). Overall he just seems more aware of what's going on around him and it's easier to snap him out of his self-stimulation behaviors. We are all really excited about his progress.

On the flip side of that, it's also been a hard adjustment. Our program is 30 hours a week. That means teachers in and out 6 days a week, 5 hours a day. That's 6 different teachers and 3 different supervisors coming and going all day long. It's having strangers in your house, playing with your kid and teaching you how to be a different kind of parent. It's panicking over getting Maddox down for a nap immediately after his morning session so he will be cooperative for his afternoon session. It's trying to find something to keep Mia busy so she doesn't drive everyone crazy. It's hearing Maddox whine and complain and cry on the days he just gets tired of it all. It's worrying that I'm not there enough. It's guilt that I'm asking too much of my mom because she takes all of this on 4 days a week. It's getting up early on Saturday to make sure we're all awake and decently dressed before someone knocks on the door. It's constantly going and going and going...

I think this transition has really been hardest on Mia.
Because Maddox is so small, everything is done through play. They play with toys, blow bubbles, play outside, read books, sing songs. To Mia it looks like Maddox just got 9 new playmates and she wants to be in the middle of everything. Some of the teachers are really good at involving her for certain activities but she is such a distraction. She wants all of the attention on her and interrupts constantly so we try our best to keep her out of their way. It is so hard to keep telling her no all day. All of this has resulted in some acting out behaviors at home and at school. She is going waaayyyy overboard to get attention. She also hates to see Maddox upset and she gets really agitated when Maddox is protesting a lot and will burst into the room and do whatever it is they are trying to get him to do. We've tried explaining it to her by telling her that Maddox is having a hard time learning and we need help to teach him. He's too small to go to school like she does so his teachers have to come to our house and when they are there it is his school time just like when she goes to school it's her school time. She understands that but it doesn't stop her from being jealous and sneaking into the room with them the second we turn our backs.

On top of juggling all of this I still work 4 days a week. There has been some stressful things going on at work too which just adds to the list of things I have to worry about. And it's December. So our schedule has been even more packed with Christmas program rehearsals, parties, dinners, church events, making gifts and shopping.

And no, I haven't forgotten my poor husband. I try to make some time to take care of him too. Sometimes I even manage to get the house clean.  And I even remember to pay bills once in a while.

Whew! No wonder I fall into bed exhausted at night.

I really need a vacation from my life!
But for now, I'll settle for a bubble bath and a locked bathroom door.

A Tough Week for Everyone

This is turning into a tough week.

Try as I might, careful as I have been, my family is falling into sickness again. Jason was the first victim. He spent the past two days hibernating in the flannel sheets. Not a very fun way to spend a birthday.

This morning I woke up to the sound of Mia coughing and blowing her nose.

And much to my dismay, Maddox is sick too. Those of you close to me know how sad this makes me. Not only is he cranky, but he has to miss his class on Friday. When Maddox gets sick, it is no easy road. His poor little ears and sinuses get so congested and infected and it seems to take him twice as long to get over than everyone else. Everyone is cranky when they're sick, but imagine not being able to communicate and tell mama what you need or want. Maddox's frustration level was through the roof last night. I knew he wanted something, but what? He was only happy when I was singing but having a bit of a sore throat myself, I couldn't keep it up for too long. We finally settled on a nice, long, warm bath. Then the 4 cranky Lincicums went to bed.

It seems to be a theme this week. I read my 2 favorite bloggers most recent posts this morning and they ring all too familiar. Read them here: The Rabbit Hole & In the Cave.

Lord,
Today we all need an extra touch of Your healing and peace. As mothers our hearts break for our children in sickness and struggles. Help us to ease their sufferings and grant us patience and wisdom. Help us to remember that You love them even more than we do. Let their minds be calm and their bodies have rest.

A Real Answer

Today I stopped myself in the midst of automatically saying, "I'm good."

The precious friend asking wanted a real answer to her question. "How are you REALLY?"

I took a few moments to think about that.

How am I really?

I feel at peace. I can breathe again. I know God is in control of all things and I trust Him. I know He has a purpose for all that He does and I trust that it is good.

I feel blessed. I have been utterly amazed by the outpouring of love and people rallying around my family, lifting us up in prayer and those who know when we need to get out for a cup of coffee or a game of football. I have seen God's provision and witnessed prayers being answered.

I feel loved. Not just by my husband and kids but by so many friends and family. My parents have blessed us so much with their support, their help and walking this road with us every step of the way. My entire family has been so supportive and encouraging.

I am so thankful...
To God for a never ending list of things.
To my husband for his love and for walking everyday of this life by my side.
To my children for stretching me so far beyond who I ever thought I could be.
To my parents for being the best parents in the world and for doing way too much for us.
To my church, sharing this journey in faith with each one of you is an honor.
To friends who love and laugh and make this life so much richer.
To family who send their love no matter the distance.
To teachers and therapists who really care.

So to answer that question...I REALLY AM GOOD!

Warning Labels

Mia's preschool just started a program called Raising a Reader. It's neat. It's like the library coming to you. Every week the kids get a book bag with 4 books. They keep them for a week, take them back and exchange it for a new bag with new books. Great program.

For the past year or so, Mia has been getting extremely emotional with movies and stories, often with good reason. She cries when Mufasa dies in Lion King. She cries when Mr. Frederickson's house floats away in UP. She cries when Tinkerbell breaks the moonstone. At my mom's house a few days ago, she dropped a marble in the pool and was hysterical until her daddy fished it out with the pool net. Needless to say, she is becoming very sensitive.

Well this week's Raising a Reader bag should have a warning label, "CAUTION: MAY CAUSE UNCONTROLLABLE SOBBING!"

The first book, Giving Thanks: A Native American Good Morning Message was just fine.

The second one, My Lucky Day, was getting a little risky for tears. It's about a wolf trying to eat a pig. The end of the story was pretty cute but Mia was very concerned about the pig's welfare and was a little nervous throughout the story. (This is probably a good time to mention that her favorite toy is a stuffed pig)

The third book, The Snowman, was great until the very last page...where he melts! I should have seen that one coming. Poor Mia was fighting back tears as she asked, "he can build another one, right?" I assured her he could and quickly suggested moving on to the 4th book to get her mind off the sad story.

The last book, Mama, was the worst of all! It's a true story about a baby hippo named Owen who loses his mother in a Tsunami. He is rescued and taken to a wildlife sanctuary where he adopts a tortoise as his mother. Mia was beside herself. She cried and cried and was completely inconsolable. I looked up the real Owen on the internet so she could see pictures of him and see how happy he is with his turtle mama. She just kept crying and saying that she she would be so sad to lose me and she didn't want a new mama. I could not detach her from my side. She cried the rest of the evening and came and got into bed with me twice in the middle of the night!

I may need to preview the books from now on!

The Miracle Worker

Have you ever had that moment when you realize that you are unconsciously acting out a movie scene?

A few weeks ago at dinner Maddox and I were having a battle of wills. Typically he does well at the table. The boy loves to eat. But every once in a while he will get this look of utter defiance on his face and begin throwing food in every direction. This particular day it was applesauce. He eats really well with spoon and fork, but this day he was determined to stick his fingers in the applesauce. Maddox is a sensory sensitive kid when it comes to weird textures. He hates to have stuff stick to his fingers, like applesauce. So when he does get something like that on them, he shakes them furiously in an attempt to get it off. It's like sticking applesauce in a fan. It goes everywhere. I'd had a long day at work and was not going to spend the rest of the evening wiping applesauce off the walls. So I took it away. Immediate screaming. I handed him his spoon and put the applesauce back in front of him. He puts the spoon down and reaches to stick his hand in it and I snatch it away. More screaming. Again I hand him the spoon and he throws it...as hard as he can. I pick it up and force his little fist open and force those amazingly strong fingers closed around it. I dip in in the applesauce and force the spoon to his mouth. Thinking I won, I let go. He spits out the applesauce and hurls the spoon across the room again. So we start over. At this point Jason and Mia quietly snuck out of the room. We did it over and over and he screamed and whined and after what seemed like hours, finally gave in and took a bite with his spoon. I was exhausted!

Suddenly the scene began to feel eerily familiar.

Does anyone remember that old movie about Helen Keller and Anne Sullivan, The Miracle Worker? (If not click on the link to see the scene I'm talking about). There is a scene where Anne is trying to teach Helen to eat at the table and the interaction gets quite violent. I promise there was no slapping in our scene!

Part of me found this comical and the other part of me was a little discouraged. Will it always be so hard to teach him things? Having had a neurotypical child first (yes, having a child with autism comes with it's own vocabulary), it seemed like Mia just learned things on her own. I never really felt like I was teaching her. She just picked it up.

As I began to dwell on that, I remembered the rest of the movie. The rest of Helen Keller's story. She learned to SPEAK. Despite disabilities, despite the hardship, she succeeded. She credited her success to Anne Sullivan, her miracle worker.

Well, guess what? I've got a Miracle Worker of my own.

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." ~Matthew 19:26

Conviction hurts

This past Sunday, the sermon was about hoarding wealth. It was a great message and I walked away feeling a little conviction about my personal wealth and spending habits. I say 'a little' because if you know me well, you may also know that I rarely spend money on myself. I don't shop much and would rather pay a bill or buy something practical for my children or husband. As my family climbed into our nice big truck and drove to our warm, comfortable home, I half-heartedly vowed to be a better steward of what God has blessed me with and went on with my day as usual. Little did I know how soon this vow would be tested. Little did I know how quickly I would fail.

Monday was a typical work day except that I decided to use my lunch hour to run some errands instead of heading home. I stopped at a local discount store to look for some things to complete my Halloween costume. As I'm walking up to the store, a young man timidly approached me and asked if I had any change. I gave him my usual scripted response: "sorry, I don't carry cash." This is usually true. I never have even a penny in my purse, but as he repeated my words and I walked away, I remembered that I did have cash in my purse.

*I need to interrupt this story to tell you an embarrassing fact about me*
I have a huge problem with giving money to people. It irritates me to see the same people day after day panhandling on the corner in front of stores. I go to the post office every day and the same guy is there day after day asking me for money. As I said earlier, I try to be practical with money. I hate to spend frivolously. I can't stand the thought that if I give someone my "hard earned" dollar, that they might spend it on alcohol or cigarettes instead of a necessity like food. I don't mind giving to the Salvation Army or some similar program where I feel that my money is wisely spent. We also sponsor a child in Kenya through Compassion International. But give some random person on the street a buck? No way! This has been an issue that God has been trying to convict me about for a long time. Our life group recently decided to befriend a homeless couple and learning a little more about them has made me a little more compassionate, but I have still been tightly holding on to every cent.

So back to my story.

As I shopped, I completely forgot about the guy outside the store. I didn't find the stuff I needed for my costume, but I did find an orange shirt for Mia to wear for "orange day" at preschool. So I get up to the register and start to pull out my debit card and I see the corner of a dollar bill peeking out of my wallet. I open it up and quickly count the bills. I had enough to pay cash. I whip out my cash and as the cashier is handing me the change, I glance at the next customer in line behind me. Yup, you guessed it. The guy from outside the store. He quickly lowered his head and I felt the flush of embarrassment and shame. As I practically ran from the store, I heard him counting out change to the cashier.

As I drove back to work with flaming cheeks, a scripture suddenly popped into my head.

The Sheep and the Goats (Matthew 25:31-46)

 

When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne.  All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

 

Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

 

Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

 

Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

 

They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’ He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

 

Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.

 

I felt sick, I wanted to cry, I wanted to pull over to the side of the road and fall on my knees, I wanted to race back to the store and find the guy, I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. I saw myself clearly for what I am: I am a selfish, greedy person. I may not hoard for myself, but I sure hoard for my family. I feel entitled to what I earn and am not willing to share it with those who have not 'earned' it for themselves. Who do I think I am? I sure don't look like a Christ-follower. I had FAILED and failed badly. I parked my truck and sat slumped in my seat. All I could do was cry out, "Oh God, that was YOU! I just said no to YOU!" 

 

I have struggled with this all week. I am red with embarrassment now as I write this.  Each time I think of it, I again cry out in my heart, "I'm so sorry."

 

So friends, please pray for me. I sure could use it.

 

I'm how old?

"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?"
~ Satchel Paige

This year, as I watched Mia count down with glee to her 4th birthday and ask nearly everyday when her 5th birthday will be, I remembered how when I was young, I couldn't wait to get older. While I still look forward to my birthday, I've lost my joy over attaining that extra year. I've never been one to deny my age. Maybe because I always look younger than I am.  Today is my 34th birthday. 34...while I don't deny it, I can't believe it. I sure don't feel 34. I think my mind got stuck somewhere around 29. Old enough to be past the bad choices and stupidity of my early 20's and still not yet the dreaded 30. Maybe it's because my life finally came together at 29. Or maybe it's because that year was such a whirlwind of change that I haven't recovered yet! That was the year Jason and I got married and we were blessed with Mia. Life has been so crazy hectic since. I don't think my mind has caught up!

My body on the other hand, has decided that I am about 75. I don't have enough fingers to count all the ways my body is betraying me. Too many aches and pains! As I sat in the cardiologist's office yesterday with a room full of other patients easily 40 years older than me, I could feel all eyes on me as everyone (including myself) wondered what in the world I was doing there. Today as I woke up, my first sensation was being tangled up in the heart monitor I have to wear for the next several hours. What a way to wake up on my birthday, with a reminder of my ailments! 

Gray hair is like a crown of glory: it is attained in the path of righteousness.
~ Proverbs 16:31

Really God? You're going to have to help me with this one because as I'm looking in the mirror, I just don't see those gray hairs as a blessing. And please forgive me because I have every intention of covering them up!

All in all, I embrace my 34 years and vow to make this year one of regaining health and growing in faith and wisdom.

"Do not regret growing older, it is a privilege denied to many."
~ unknown

Happy 34th birthday to me!!!